Living Science

It’s been a while, friends, and there’s a lot to report.

First things first, though: I got my first vaccination appointment!!!!

I’m in a state that is still rolling out vaccines according to an eligibility list, vs. those that are making vaccinations available to everyone at the same time. I’m sure you’ve heard about or experienced first-hand the really lousy website sign-up software that many states are struggling with. I’m here to report my own less than satisfactory experience. Since our state’s eligibility was opened up for people with underlying health conditions about a week ago, Husband and I have been dutifully checking the state site, scanning for any opening at all hours of the day. On Friday evenings at 5pm and Tuesday mornings at 9am, when new appointments were added, we’d race to the state site and scroll down the list for any available appointments. We were also checking other local sites and pharmacies. No luck.

We were determined that this past Friday was going to be the day! The state announced the day before that they would add 3500 appointments at 5pm on Friday. So Husband and I were primed and ready at 4:55pm, like race cars waiting for the green light. We each huddled over our respective devices (one laptop + one cell phone each), loading and reloading the site, eyes wide at the sheer number of available appointments, then cursing in frustration each time our frantic clicking resulted in the web portal freezing or giving us an error message because it was so inundated with traffic. Damn it!

Finally, after 20 minutes of this multi-device, multi-person effort, I got an appointment for next week. DEEP BREATH.

I think I’ve been more comfortable than many with the existential uncertainties of the pandemic. Thanks, Cancer! Of course, I’ve also been anxious to get vaccinated, curious about the relative efficacy of the three vaccines currently available in the U.S., and concerned about the degree to which any of the vaccines is going to stand up to the newer coronavirus variants. But I’ve been able to quiet my questioning by accepting that there are some things we simply can’t know right now (other than that getting ANY vaccine on offer is a good idea!). I want to know the answers to these questions as much as anyone, but living with uncertainty for an extended time has its benefits.

That said, I’m honestly a little surprised by the depth of relief I feel just by virtue of having a confirmed appointment.

Husband and I have been living carefully for the past year. On the handful of occasions when we had a few people over for a physically distanced, totally outdoors gathering around a bonfire, everyone took great pains to keep to themselves by bringing their own beverages, cups, etc. I made a ridiculously detailed to-do list for anyone who needed to enter the house to use our bathroom during the visit. It read:

“Hello Friends!

Desperate times, desperate measures, yadda yadda.

Please help keep this bathroom clean and spiffy by:

• using one of the small hand towels below,
• throwing it right into the washing machine (just outside the bathroom) as you go,
• using the disinfecting wipes as needed,
• using supplied hand sanitizer as needed.

Thanks! Your immune-compromised pal. ❤️”

(In case you’re wondering, 20 seconds of handwashing was a baseline assumption among anyone who was invited to visit.)

Sure, this may have been overkill, but it was the sort of precautionary detail that made me feel ok about having anyone come into our house, even for a few minutes. Remember early last year when we weren’t sure about whether we needed to disinfect every single grocery item that came into the house? Yep, I did that. Probably quite a while longer than was needed, to be honest. I kept doing grocery shopping in person, but wore disposable gloves for a while. Multiple hand sanitizing breaks throughout. Avoiding any unnecessary stops.

In short, my comfort with uncertainty didn’t lessen my efforts (nor Husband’s) to take precautions. But I have often reflected on how helpful my cancer experiences have been with this whole pandemic. I’ve spoken about this with other people who have chronic illnesses and I’ve heard similar responses.

I guess I finally have a good answer for one of my most dreaded questions about cancer: is your life different now?

Yes, I know how to live through a pandemic without losing my mind. (Also, YES. In a million ways. Just not in the ways that people typically want to hear, nor that I want to talk about.)

As of today, my parents, my sister and brother in law, my mother in law, my sister in law, and a growing number of friends have all been vaccinated. I have a little explosion of happiness every time I learn that someone I care about was vaccinated. But I’ll admit that the explosion was even bigger when I got my appointment today.

I know the vaccine isn’t the end of the pandemic. Robert Frosts’ words come to mind for me as I think about this.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   
But I have promises to keep,   
And miles to go before I sleep,   
And miles to go before I sleep.

In spite of the miles we have yet to travel to end this pandemic, this appointment has given me a moment to revel in the lovely, dark, and deep woods of my life.